Transcript
[0:49] Breathe, smile... you are online.
[1:02] Brother Pháp Leu, we are online or not?
[1:12] We are online.
[1:15] This Dharma talk is a kind of Dharma talk
[1:21] à la carte... requested by Parallax Press.
[1:27] Parallax Press wanted Thay to give a talk
[1:30] on the theme of fidelity, intimacy.
[1:42] And they have been waiting for this Dharma talk.
[1:58] Good morning, dear sangha.
[2:01] Today is December 26 in the year 2010,
[2:07] we are in the Dharma Cloud Temple,
[2:10] Upper Hamlet, Plum Village,
[2:12] during our winter retreat.
[2:26] Last time, during the Dharma talk,
[2:30] we discussed about our true home.
[2:38] Everyone of us
[2:42] is trying to find our true home
[2:47] There are those of us
[2:48] who have found our true home,
[2:50] others are still looking, searching, finding.
[2:57] And we have also said that our true home
[3:01] is inside.
[3:05] And with the energy of mindfulness
[3:07] we can go back
[3:09] to our true home in the here and now.
[3:13] And the sangha is our true home.
[3:22] It's funny that in Vietnamese,
[3:28] the husband calls the wife "my home"
[3:32] and the wife calls the husband her home.
[3:43] Nhà tôi - it means "my house, my home".
[3:50] And when the gentleman is asked
[3:58] where his wife is, he says:
[4:03] "My home is now at the post office."
[4:13] And if the guests say:
[4:16] "Your home is beautiful, who decorated that?"
[4:19] "It's my home who decorated that."
[4:22] It means "my husband".
[4:26] And when the husband calls his wife,
[4:33] he says: "Nhà ôi - my home!"
[4:39] And she says: "Here I am!"
[4:43] Nhà ôi... Nhà tôi
[4:49] So when you are in such a relationship,
[4:53] the other person is your home,
[4:55] your true home.
[5:00] And you should be a true home
[5:02] for him or for her.
[5:07] It's very clear; in a relationship
[5:10] you should be your own true home
[5:15] in order for you to be his home
[5:17] or her home.
[5:20] That is the practice.
[5:24] Now in these days, people in Vietnam
[5:28] still call themselves "my home"
[5:32] as husband and wife.
[5:38] We understand that, but we should practice
[5:41] in order to be a true home for ourselves
[5:45] and a true home for the one that we love.
[5:49] And how? We need to practice.
[5:59] In Plum Village, every time you hear the bell,
[6:02] you stop thinking, you stop talking,
[6:07] you stop doing things.
[6:10] You pay attention to your inbreath,
[6:14] you breathe in and you say:
[6:18] "I listen, I listen; this wonderful sound
[6:22] brings me back to my true home."
[6:26] My true home is inside.
[6:29] My true home is in the here and the now.
[6:32] So practicing to go home
[6:35] is what we do all day long.
[6:39] Because we are only comfortable
[6:45] in our true home.
[6:49] And our true home is available.
[6:53] The question is whether we want,
[6:56] and we know, how to go home.
[6:58] And we can go home every moment.
[7:02] And our home should be safe,
[7:08] intimate, cozy.
[7:13] And it is us who are making our home
[7:16] cozy and safe.
[7:22] Last week, I had tea with a couple
[7:26] who came from the UK.
[7:29] They spent 2 weeks in Plum Village,
[7:32] in Upper Hamlet.
[7:35] And the lady said: "It's strange...
[7:41] it's the first time I live in a place
[7:43] where there are hundreds of men
[7:45] and no woman, and yet
[7:47] I feel very safe in Upper Hamlet.
[7:51] I have never felt safe like that.
[7:58] In the Upper Hamlet, there were only men,
[8:01] she was the only woman,
[8:03] and she felt very safe.
[8:09] And if she feels safe,
[8:11] the place is her home,
[8:13] because home should provide
[8:17] that kind of safety.
[8:20] Are you safe... for him or for her?
[8:26] Do you have enough stability, strength,
[8:33] protection for the one you love?
[8:39] And the gentlemen said: "The last 2 weeks
[8:42] were maybe the best of my life."
[8:49] And that is because of the work of sangha building.
[8:53] When you build a sangha,
[8:55] you build a home for yourself.
[8:57] And in that place, you feel at home,
[9:04] you feel at ease, you feel safe.
[9:10] If you don't feel safe within yourself,
[9:13] you are not home for your own self.
[9:18] And you cannot provide your beloved one
[9:24] a home.
[9:26] And that is why it is very important
[9:28] to go back to yourself
[9:31] and make it safe for you
[9:33] and for the ones you love.
[9:48] If you feel lonely,
[9:52] if you feel cut off,
[9:55] if you suffer,
[9:59] if you need healing,
[10:04] you cannot expect to heal and to be one
[10:13] by having a sexual relationship
[10:16] with another person.
[10:18] It cannot heal you.
[10:24] You will create more suffering for him / for her
[10:27] and for yourself.
[10:31] In the 3rd mindfulness training, we learn
[10:34] that sexual desire is not love.
[10:40] And without love,
[10:41] sexual activities can only bring suffering
[10:45] to you and to the other person.
[10:53] Loneliness cannot be dissipated
[10:56] by sexual activities.
[11:05] And you cannot heal yourself by having sex.
[11:11] You have to learn how to heal yourself,
[11:18] to be comfortable within,
[11:23] and you begin to have home.
[11:26] And as you have home,
[11:28] you have something to offer
[11:30] to the other person.
[11:32] And the other person has to do
[11:34] exactly the same thing.
[11:36] The other person has to heal himself,
[11:39] to heal herself,
[11:47] to get warm inside,
[11:52] so that she will feel better, at ease,
[11:57] and she can become your home,
[12:00] she can share that with you.
[12:03] Otherwise, what she has to share
[12:05] is only her loneliness, her sickness,
[12:09] her suffering.
[12:10] That cannot help heal you at all.
[12:29] There are three kinds of intimacy.
[12:35] The first one is physical, and sexual.
[13:02] The second is emotional intimacy.
[13:13] And the third one is spiritual.
[13:25] And sexual intimacy cannot be separated
[13:29] from emotional intimacy.
[13:41] This should go together.
[13:44] And if the spiritual intimacy is there,
[13:49] the physical, the sexual intimacy
[13:51] will have a sense,
[13:55] it will be healthy and healing.
[14:00] Otherwise, it will be destructive.
[14:06] Every one of us is seeking emotional intimacy.
[14:13] We want to be in harmony,
[14:19] we want to have real communication,
[14:29] mutual understanding, communion.
[14:40] And in the light of the buddhist practice,
[14:45] you have to listen to your own suffering.
[14:50] There is suffering inside of you,
[14:52] and there is suffering inside
[14:54] of the other person.
[14:56] If you do not listen to your own suffering,
[14:59] you will not understand it.
[15:04] And you will not have compassion for yourself;
[15:08] and compassion is an element
[15:11] that helps heal yourself.
[15:15] So the first thing the Buddha talked about
[15:19] is the suffering inside. And most of us
[15:24] try to run away from our own suffering.
[15:28] Most of us try to cover up the suffering inside
[15:32] by means of consumption. We consume food,
[15:35] we consume music,
[15:37] we consume many other things,
[15:39] and we consume sex.
[15:42] But that does not help.
[15:44] That's only something we do
[15:48] in order to cover up the suffering inside.
[15:53] And that is why the Buddha proposed
[15:56] that we go home to us with courage
[15:59] in order to recognize the suffering inside
[16:05] and listen deeply to the suffering inside.
[16:11] If you know how to practice mindful breathing,
[16:18] you can improve the quality
[16:20] of your inbreath and outbreath.
[16:23] Your inbreath and outbreath
[16:25] will become more peaceful, deeper, slower.
[16:30] It will help your body to relax.
[16:34] It will help your feelings
[16:38] to be less intense, painful.
[16:42] And this is a... this is
[16:46] the practice recommended by the Buddha
[16:50] so that you are capable of going home
[16:54] to yourself without fear.
[16:57] Because many of us are fearful.
[17:02] We don't want to go back to ourselves,
[17:06] because we believe that going back
[17:08] to ourselves, we will encounter the block
[17:11] of suffering inside. We will be overwhelmed
[17:14] by the suffering inside.
[17:17] That is why we try always to run away
[17:20] from ourselves, from our suffering,
[17:23] looking for things to consume
[17:28] in order to forget. Sometimes we just eat
[17:31] in order to forget our suffering.
[17:33] Sometimes we drive, we talk,
[17:36] over the telephone.
[17:41] The market provides us with many means
[17:45] in order to run away from ourselves.
[17:49] But the Buddha recommended
[17:52] that we use the energy of mindfulness
[17:54] generated by breathing, walking,
[17:57] and get some strength to go home
[18:01] in order to courageously recognize
[18:04] the suffering inside,
[18:05] and embrace it tenderly.
[18:11] "My suffering, I know you are there,
[18:13] I am home, and I am taking care of you."
[18:17] And you listen deeply to the suffering inside.
[18:21] That suffering may have been transmitted to you
[18:26] by your parents, or your ancestors.
[18:32] There are times when we suffer,
[18:35] and we don't know why we suffer.
[18:37] We don't know the nature of the suffering.
[18:40] We want to cry. We don't understand.
[18:45] And if we want to understand
[18:46] we have to go back
[18:48] and embrace and recognize it.
[18:53] Our ancestors, our parents may
[18:55] not have been able
[18:57] to transform their suffering,
[18:58] and they have transmitted them to us.
[19:03] And now if we encounter the Buddha
[19:05] and the Dharma, we have a chance.
[19:07] We can learn how to recognize it,
[19:10] embrace it
[19:12] and transform it for us
[19:13] and for our ancestors, our parents.
[19:19] Out of love. Dear ancestors,
[19:22] dear father, dear mother,
[19:24] I have received this block of suffering from you,
[19:29] I accept. I will try my best.
[19:33] I know the Dharma, I know the practice,
[19:36] I will learn to recognize
[19:39] this block of suffering
[19:42] that has been transmitted to me.
[19:45] And with love, I will try to accept
[19:50] and to transform it.
[19:52] And you can do it out of love.
[19:54] You do it for your parents,
[19:56] for your ancestors.
[20:12] And we practice not only for ourselves,
[20:14] but for our ancestors -
[20:16] because we ARE our ancestors.
[20:25] And according to the teaching
[20:28] of the four noble truths,
[20:29] unless you listen to your suffering,
[20:33] unless you look deeply into your suffering,
[20:36] you embrace it tenderly
[20:38] with your energy of mindfulness,
[20:40] you cannot understand
[20:43] the roots of your suffering.
[20:46] When you begin to understand
[20:48] the roots of your suffering,
[20:52] suddenly the energies of compassion,
[20:56] of understanding arise.
[20:59] Understanding one's own suffering
[21:07] always makes the energy of compassion arise
[21:13] and understanding and compassion
[21:16] have a power to heal.
[21:20] And by embracing and listening
[21:22] to your suffering,
[21:24] you bring about understanding
[21:26] and compassion.
[21:27] Understanding here
[21:29] is understanding suffering
[21:31] Compassion is born from understanding.
[21:36] And when the nectar of compassion
[21:37] is born into you, you suffer less.
[21:41] You feel less lonely,
[21:45] less cold, you begin to feel the warmth
[21:51] within yourself, and you are building a home
[21:58] inside of yourself.
[22:00] The Buddha recommends us to build
[22:03] a home inside, an island within ourselves.
[22:06] "Be an island unto yourself."
[22:10] Build and island within yourself.
[22:13] You feel comfortable, you feel warm, and
[22:17] you can be a refuge
[22:18] for the other person too.
[22:25] And when you have understood
[22:28] your own suffering, your own loneliness,
[22:32] you feel lighter.
[22:35] And you can very well listen
[22:37] to the suffering of the other person.
[22:41] It becomes easier now
[22:42] to understand his or her suffering.
[22:46] because you have understood
[22:48] your own suffering.
[22:51] Your suffering carries within itself
[22:53] the suffering of your ancestors
[22:57] of the world. My suffering
[22:59] reflects the suffering of my society.
[23:03] Interbeing.
[23:06] My suffering is in your suffering
[23:08] and your suffering is in my suffering.
[23:11] That is why when I have understood
[23:13] my own suffering, it becomes much easier
[23:15] to understand your suffering.
[23:18] Understanding is a kind of gift.
[23:22] When you understand someone suffering,
[23:26] that is a great gift you can give to him or to her.
[23:33] The other person feels for the first time,
[23:36] that she is understood.
[23:40] And understanding is love itself.
[23:42] Understanding is the other name of love.
[23:46] Because if you don't understand,
[23:48] you cannot love.
[23:50] This is very clear.
[23:52] If you don't understand your son,
[23:54] you cannot love your son.
[23:56] If you don't understand your father,
[23:59] you cannot love your father.
[24:01] So understanding is love.
[24:05] And to offer understanding
[24:07] means to offer love.
[24:09] Understanding another person is not possible
[24:13] without understanding self.
[24:18] And our ancestors have said:
[24:20] "You have to understand yourself."
[24:21] "Connais-toi toi-même."
[24:31] And home-builidng begins with yourself.
[24:37] And the other person will join you
[24:39] in building home within herself and himself
[24:45] And after that, you can call her your home
[24:48] and she can call you her home.
[24:57] If in the Upper Hamlet we build a sangha
[24:59] as our home; in the family you build
[25:02] your family members or your family as
[25:05] members of a sangha, because a family
[25:07] is a kind of sangha. The word "sangha"
[25:10] means simply "community."
[25:15] If your family only has two persons,
[25:21] that is the smallest sangha.
[25:25] And then if you have a child:
[25:27] three members of the sangha.
[25:30] And if you have 4, you have a sangha of 4.
[25:41] And your family is your home.
[25:49] Building a family is like building a sangha.
[25:53] The teaching of the Buddha is to help us
[25:56] to build a sangha,
[26:00] because a sangha is a refuge for ourselves
[26:05] and for many people.
[26:09] And the most noble task
[26:11] is to build a sangha.
[26:13] After enlightenment,
[26:15] the first thing the Buddha thought of
[26:17] is to go and seek, and look out
[26:20] for elements to build a sangha.
[26:32] So we go home to ourselves,
[26:36] we listen to the suffering inside of us,
[26:42] we embrace our pain, our sorrow,
[26:45] our loneliness with the energy of mindfulness
[26:49] and that kind of understanding,
[26:52] that kind of insight
[26:55] will help transform the suffering inside of us.
[27:00] You feel lighter, you begin to feel warmth
[27:06] and peace inside. That is for us,
[27:10] and that is for the other person as well.
[27:18] When the other person joins you
[27:20] in building home, you have an ally.
[27:26] You are helping him and he is helping you
[27:31] and together you have home.
[27:34] You have home in yourself,
[27:35] and you have home in him or her also.
[27:40] If that kind of intimacy doesn't exist,
[27:46] has not existed,
[27:48] then sexual relationships
[27:56] can cause a lot of damage.
[28:03] And that is why in the beginning,
[28:05] I said that physical, sexual intimacy
[28:08] cannot be separated
[28:11] from the emotional intimacy.
[28:18] And between the spiritual and the emotional
[28:21] there is a link.
[28:24] Spiritual is not just a belief in a teaching,
[28:29] in a spiritual teaching.
[28:32] Spirituality is a practice, and the practice
[28:35] always brings relief. Communion,
[28:39] communication, transformation.
[28:43] Everyone needs a spiritual dimension
[28:46] in his or her life.
[28:49] Without a spiritual dimension in our lives,
[28:54] we cannot deal with the difficulties
[28:57] that we encounter in our daily lives.
[29:03] We should have a practice,
[29:05] a spiritual practice, a Dharma life.
[29:08] And we should have a path,
[29:10] a spiritual path,
[29:12] we learn the Dharma, we learn how to
[29:15] put into practice the Dharma.
[29:18] And with that kind of practice,
[29:20] we can deal with the difficulties
[29:24] we encounter in our daily lives.
[29:30] With a spiritual path,
[29:32] with a spiritual practice,
[29:35] with the Dharma body,
[29:38] you are no longer afraid,
[29:40] because you know that you can
[29:46] handle, you can confront
[29:51] the difficulties presented to you
[29:53] in your daily lives.
[29:56] You have a Dharma body in yourself.
[30:00] You have a physical body,
[30:03] you can do a lot of things
[30:05] with your physical body,
[30:08] but you also have a Dharma body,
[30:11] your spiritual life, your Dharma practice.
[30:15] And with that Dharma body,
[30:17] you are no longer afraid,
[30:19] you know you can handle,
[30:23] you can overcome
[30:26] you can get out of a difficult situation.
[30:31] You practice breathing, walking
[30:34] concentrating, understanding.
[30:36] It's very important.
[30:43] And your spiritual practice
[30:47] can help you a lot
[30:49] in dealing with your emotions:
[30:52] helping you to listen,
[30:54] to embrace your own suffering,
[30:56] and helping you to recognize
[30:59] and embrace the suffering
[31:01] of the other person.
[31:03] And that is why these two forms
[31:05] of intimacies inter-are.
[31:14] You know how to deal with a strong emotion
[31:18] like fear, anger, despair.
[31:28] And because you know how to do that,
[31:34] you can feel more peaceful,
[31:39] warmer within yourself.
[31:43] And the spiritual practice
[31:47] helps you build a home within yourself
[31:51] for your sake,
[31:52] and for the sake of the other person.
[31:57] That is why emotional intimacy cannot
[32:00] be separated from spiritual intimacy.
[32:04] And the 3 kinds of intimacies inter-are.
[32:53] In the 3rd mindfulness training, we learn
[32:55] that sexual desire is not love.
[32:59] We have to remember that.
[33:10] Sexual activities without love
[33:12] is called empty sex.
[33:16] And that is something
[33:18] that is prevailing in our society.
[33:21] And that is causing a lot of suffering
[33:24] to our young people.
[33:28] So empty sex should be avoided.
[33:32] And if you are teachers, school-teachers,
[33:36] if you are parents, you should help
[33:43] your children, your students
[33:46] to learn about that.
[33:48] Because the young people nowadays,
[33:50] they practice a lot empty sex
[33:54] that is destroying their body, their mind,
[33:57] bringing a lot of damage to their mind
[34:00] and their body.
[34:02] And there are many kinds of damages.
[34:08] Later on, there will be a depression,
[34:13] there will be mental disorders,
[34:19] there will be suicide.
[34:24] And many of them do not know
[34:27] that these troubles, these disorders
[34:31] have to do with empty sex,
[34:36] or sexual abuse.
[34:42] They don't see the connection between sex
[34:46] and these physical and mental disorders in them.
[35:00] Pearl Buck wrote this novel:
[35:06] "East Wind and West Wind"
[35:09] and she described a couple in China
[35:18] about 100 years ago.
[35:27] The young lady and the young man
[35:31] both belonged to big, wealthy families
[35:38] and the young man went to America
[35:41] to study, and got a medical degree.
[35:48] He came home to China as a doctor
[35:51] and the young woman was educated
[35:56] in the traditional Chinese way.
[36:03] You are born and you are raised
[36:08] to become a mother, to become a wife,
[36:13] to become the servant of a man;
[36:17] you have to obey 100% the will, the desire
[36:21] of your man. That's the old traditional
[36:27] Chinese culture. Man is master and lord.
[36:33] And you have to learn how to cook
[36:36] to satisfy his need of eating; you have
[36:42] to learn how to satisfy all his needs.
[36:47] But the young man who became a doctor,
[36:50] he had learned the western way,
[36:53] and he wanted his wife to be equal to him.
[37:03] The first night, in the evening of the day,
[37:15] they found themselves alone.
[37:19] The first thing he did is to lift the veil
[37:25] and to look at her face.
[37:28] She was very scared,
[37:31] she did not know what to do. She had been
[37:33] instructed by her mother to be silent,
[37:38] not to be too warm.
[37:42] She had a lot of fear.
[37:50] He began to talk to her.
[38:02] "That night, after the feasting and
[38:07] bantering laughter had ended, I sat alone
[38:12] upon the couch in the bridal chamber.
[38:17] I was stifled with my fear.
[38:21] The hour I had imagined and dreaded
[38:24] and longed for all my life
[38:27] was come -
[38:28] the hour when for the first time,
[38:30] my husband looked on my face
[38:33] and we were alone together.
[38:36] My cold hands were pressed
[38:38] against each other in my lap.
[38:41] Then he came in, still so tall and somber
[38:45] in those dark foreign clothes.
[38:48] He came to me at once, and in silence
[38:51] he lifted the veil from my face
[38:53] and looked long upon me.
[38:56] Thus he acknowledged me.
[38:58] Then he took one of my cold hands.
[39:04] The wisdom of my mother had taught me thus:
[39:07] "Be chill rather than warm.
[39:09] be the tang of wine rather than
[39:11] the surfeiting sweetness of honey.
[39:14] Then his desire will never fail."
[39:18] Therefore I was reluctant to give him my hand.
[39:21] Instantly he withdrew his own
[39:24] and gazed at me in silence.
[39:26] Then he began to speak
[39:28] with grave earnestness.
[39:32] At first I could not comprehend his words
[39:35] for the marvel of his voice in my ears,
[39:38] a quiet, deep man's voice
[39:40] that made my body flush with shyness.
[39:43] What was he saying?
[39:46] "It is not to be supposed
[39:48] that you would be drawn to me
[39:50] whom you behold for the first time,
[39:53] as I behold you also.
[39:56] You have been forced into this marriage
[39:59] as much as I have.
[40:02] (because the marriage had been arranged
[40:05] by families on both sides)
[40:08] You have been forced into this marriage
[40:11] as much as I have. We have been helpless,
[40:14] until now, yet now that we are alone,
[40:19] we may create our lives
[40:20] according to our own desires.
[40:23] For myself, I wish to follow the new ways.
[40:26] (the Western way)
[40:28] I wish to regard you in all things as my equal.
[40:32] I shall never force you to anything.
[40:35] You are not my possession - my chattel.
[40:38] You may be my friend, if you will."
[40:41] (that is what he said)
[40:49] These were the words I heard
[40:50] on my bridal night.
[40:52] At first I was amazed beyond
[40:54] understanding of their meaning.
[40:56] I equal to him?
[40:58] But why? Was I not his wife?
[41:02] If he did not tell me what to do,
[41:04] then who would?
[41:07] Was he not my master by law?
[41:09] No one had forced me to marry him -
[41:12] what else would I do if not marry?
[41:16] And how could I marry
[41:18] except as my parents arranged it?
[41:25] I began to twist my hands in my lap,
[41:28] not daring to speak, not knowing how
[41:30] to reply. He placed one of his hands over
[41:34] both of mine, and we were silent for a while.
[41:37] But I only wished
[41:39] that he would take his hand away.
[41:42] I felt his eyes on my face.
[41:45] At last he spoke,
[41:47] his voice low and bitter:
[41:49] 'It is as I feared. You will not - cannot -
[41:54] show me your real mind, you dare not
[41:58] break away from what you have been taught
[42:00] you should say and do at this time.
[42:03] Listen to me - I do not ask you to speak.
[42:07] But I beg of you this small token.
[42:12] If you are willing to try the new path with me,
[42:16] bend your head a little lower.'
[42:21] He watched me closely;
[42:23] I could feel his hand pressing down steadily.
[42:26] What did he mean? Why could not things
[42:29] proceed in the expected way?
[42:32] I was ready to be his wife,
[42:35] I desired to be the mother of sons.
[42:37] Oh, then my sorrow began - this heaviness
[42:40] that never leaves me by day or night.
[42:43] I knew not what to do,
[42:45] and in my despair and ignorance,
[42:48] I bent my head.
[42:51] 'I am grateful', he said, rising to his feet
[42:53] and removing his hand.
[42:55] "Rest quietly in this chamber.
[42:58] Remember you will have nothing to fear,
[43:00] now or ever. Be at peace. I will sleep
[43:02] this night in the little chamber adjoining.'
[43:06] He turned swiftly and went away.
[43:10] (That's what happened during that night.)
[43:20] "I ran to the door,
[43:22] thinking in my wildness that I might escape
[43:24] and return to my mother's home.
[43:26] But my hand upon the heavy iron bar
[43:30] recalled me. For me there could never be
[43:32] any return.
[43:37] Even though by miracle I escaped
[43:40] through the unknown courtyards of my new home
[43:43] there was the strange street; even though
[43:46] by miracle I found my way to the familiar gate,
[43:48] it would never open to receive me."
[43:55] So without understanding each other,
[43:58] the couple stayed like that for many months.
[44:03] And both tried to understand each other.
[44:10] One day, he tried to say that...
[44:16] Because they were living in a new home,
[44:21] with an upper floor,
[44:23] and she was afraid of climbing up
[44:26] because her feet were bound,
[44:32] according to the Chinese way,
[44:34] and it is very weak.
[44:37] One day he used a pencil
[44:40] and he drew the inside of her feet
[44:43] that looked very feeble,
[44:49] that looked not healthy, and he said:
[44:53] "Your feet are not beautiful
[44:57] because they are not healthy."
[44:59] And she suffered so much
[45:01] because she had bound her feet
[45:04] since childhood, in order to be beautiful,
[45:07] and now he did not see it as beautiful.
[45:11] So a few months later, when she had
[45:14] a chance to go home, to visit her mother,
[45:21] her mother saw her depressed,
[45:23] not happy at all,
[45:25] and she asked why, and she knew,
[45:27] and finally said:
[45:28] "Maybe you have to obey your husband.
[45:35] Things have changed.
[45:37] If needed, you can unbind your feet."
[45:43] So she went through many anguishes,
[45:47] before deciding to unbind her feet.
[45:52] And he helped her.
[45:55] And they spent so many months
[45:58] in order to try to understand each other's
[46:04] culture, and thinking, and aspirations
[46:10] before understanding arose
[46:13] and love was born, and they
[46:16] became a very happy couple, after.
[46:20] That is what happened in this novel.
[46:33] What we can see is that the man
[46:39] did not want to have any
[46:42] sexual relationship with her,
[46:46] with his wife
[46:48] unless there is mutual understanding
[46:52] and trust.
[47:01] Because he saw that
[47:03] there is no real happiness
[47:07] in having sexual relationships
[47:10] if there is no mutual understanding,
[47:14] and that it will create damage.
[47:17] That's his insight.
[47:22] He was not a buddhist practitioner
[47:27] and she was not either
[47:31] and yet, they were able to do that.
[47:43] One nun of the New Hamlet told Thay
[47:50] that there was a lady practitioner
[48:01] who is in love with a gentleman.
[48:06] She loves him a lot
[48:09] and feels that she needs him.
[48:30] But every time he has sexual relations
[48:33] with her, that love is crushed,
[48:38] disappears for many months
[48:41] before she can begin to rebuild it again.
[49:01] Apparently there is not enough
[49:06] mutual understanding.
[49:12] The way he shares his body with her
[49:17] and she with him
[49:25] does not help building more
[49:29] understanding, love, happiness.
[49:37] That poses the question as to whether
[49:45] true love is possible without
[49:47] sexual relationship.
[49:52] In her case, maybe she does feel
[49:58] she needs love. But she does not need
[50:04] that kind of physical intimacy.
[50:25] We learn that body and mind
[50:28] are not two separate entities.
[50:32] What happens in the body
[50:35] will have an effect on the mind
[50:37] and vice-versa.
[50:43] The oneness of body and mind is
[50:45] what we learn from the Buddha also.
[50:49] Mind relies on the body to manifest,
[50:52] and body relies on mind to be alive,
[50:58] to be possible.
[51:05] When you love someone,
[51:13] you have to respect him or her,
[51:15] not only her mind, but also her body.
[51:22] You respect your own body
[51:25] and you respect his body
[51:28] because your body is you,
[51:34] is your mind.
[51:37] His mind and his body are connected.
[51:46] So true love should have
[51:49] the nature of reverence, respect.
[51:56] In the Asian tradition,
[51:58] you have to treat your spouse with respect,
[52:03] like a guest.
[52:05] You treat your spouse as a guest;
[52:10] not only before marriage,
[52:13] but after marriage
[52:15] you have to be respectful of him,
[52:19] you have to be respectful of her.
[52:22] In order to respect her,
[52:24] you have to respect yourself first.
[52:30] Reverence should be the nature of our love.
[52:41] The parents in my country
[52:44] are always very proud
[52:47] to introduce their child to a guest.
[52:54] They will ask the child to come
[53:00] and bow to the guest, for the guest
[53:04] to see how beautiful the child is.
[53:10] And they usually have a little conversation
[53:17] like: "Do you love your father, your mother?"
[53:26] And the child says:
[53:28] "Yes, I love my father, I love my mother."
[53:35] The child is learning to speak.
[53:38] And the next question:
[53:40] "Where do you put your love?"
[53:46] And the child has been instructed before:
[53:49] "My love, I put it on my head."
[53:56] Not "in my heart", but "on my head".
[54:09] In Upper Hamlet, if you notice when a monk
[54:13] is about to put on his sanghati,
[54:21] his saffron robe, for a ceremony,
[54:27] he is holding his sanghati with reverence.
[54:34] It's like when he's handling a scripture
[54:39] because that is the Dharma
[54:41] you have to respect.
[54:46] So if you approach the monk,
[54:48] and you bow to him, he will find a place
[54:53] to put his sanghati on
[54:55] before he bows back to you.
[54:57] And if he doesn't find any decent place
[55:01] to put his scripture, or his sanghati,
[55:05] he will put it on his head.
[55:08] You have noticed that, because this is
[55:10] a very noble place to put the bible,
[55:15] or the sutra, or the sanghati.
[55:24] It is like the altar:
[55:30] You worship your ancestors with your head.
[55:35] That is the tradition,
[55:37] that is why in the Vietnamese manners,
[55:41] you should not touch the head
[55:44] of another person
[55:46] if you don't know him or her very well,
[55:49] because that is an offense.
[55:52] This one of the sacred places
[55:55] of the body.
[55:58] Because that person feels that the head
[56:02] is the altar to worship the ancestors
[56:08] and the Buddha.
[56:11] So you have to treat
[56:14] that part of his or her body as an altar,
[56:21] therefore you can shake hands,
[56:23] you can pat on his shoulders,
[56:25] but you don't touch the head.
[56:27] That's a problem of culture.
[56:33] There are other parts of the body
[56:36] that are also sacred,
[56:39] that you should not touch.
[56:42] If you touch,
[56:52] you don't feel respect for him or for her.
[57:03] It's like in the imperial city,
[57:06] there is the purple city
[57:09] where the family of the king lives.
[57:16] You are not supposed to wander
[57:22] and to penetrate into that area.
[57:26] If you do, they will arrest you
[57:29] and cut off your head -
[57:32] if you penetrate into
[57:34] the compound of the purple city.
[57:39] So in a person's body, there are
[57:48] areas that are forbidden to touch.
[57:56] Whether you are a man or a woman,
[57:59] there are areas to be respected.
[58:03] If you don't show respect,
[58:06] if you touch that part of the body,
[58:08] it's like you are penetrating
[58:11] into the purple city.
[58:13] And people will cut your head off.
[58:24] And not only people in Asia feel that way
[58:28] but people in Europe and in America
[58:30] feel that way also.
[58:32] When a child is sexually abused,
[58:49] she suffers, he suffers very deeply.
[58:54] Someone has violated the purple....
[58:56] her purple city
[59:00] and she was not strong enough,
[59:03] she did not have the courage
[59:05] to protect herself, or himself.
[59:20] And there are children
[59:21] who have been abused
[59:24] at the age of 8, 9, 10,
[59:29] and they suffer very deeply,
[59:34] and they blame their parents
[59:36] for not having protected them,
[59:39] and the relationship with their parents
[59:41] becomes difficult.
[59:47] And if their relationships with their parents
[59:50] are difficult, the relationships
[59:52] with their friends and future lovers
[59:54] will also be very difficult.
[59:57] The wounds are always there.
[1:00:06] Children... the sexual abuse of children
[1:00:10] is overwhelming.
[1:00:19] They said that in America,
[1:00:24] from 5-15% of the boys - little boys -
[1:00:33] are abused sexually.
[1:00:37] And from 15-35% of little girls are abused
[1:00:44] sexually.
[1:00:48] That's a lot.
[1:00:50] And when a child is abused like that,
[1:00:53] she or he will suffer all her life
[1:00:57] of many things,
[1:00:59] because they don't respect her body.
[1:01:03] And in school, and in families,
[1:01:05] we don't teach them
[1:01:06] to respect themselves,
[1:01:08] to respect their own body,
[1:01:10] and to respect the body
[1:01:11] of the other person.
[1:01:20] In monastic life,
[1:01:28] we teach the novices fine manners...
[1:01:33] fine manners.
[1:01:35] We have the precepts
[1:01:39] but we also have fine manners.
[1:01:48] In China, "Le"...
[1:01:55] in Confucianism, "Le" means
[1:01:58] "fine manners" - the etiquette,
[1:02:01] the way to behave.
[1:02:10] [Chinese] is "fine manners" in monastic life.
[1:02:20] You have the precepts... - CUT-
[1:02:25] Parents may be too busy
[1:02:30] and they allow the opportunities
[1:02:34] for their children to be abused sexually
[1:02:39] even by people in the family
[1:02:42] or out of the family.
[1:02:48] That is why fine manners
[1:02:52] have to be practiced
[1:02:56] in schools and in families.
[1:03:04] Sometimes a child is abused by teachers,
[1:03:09] by school bus drivers.
[1:03:15] Sometimes a child
[1:03:18] is abused by their own father or mother,
[1:03:22] uncle or big brothers.
[1:03:27] And we are so busy, we don't have the time
[1:03:30] to take care, to be the brother
[1:03:34] or the sister in the Dharma for them.
[1:03:42] And if that lady who lived
[1:03:45] for two weeks in Upper Hamlet felt safe,
[1:03:47] it's because the brothers in Upper Hamlet
[1:03:50] practiced fine manners.
[1:03:54] They are equipped with the practice
[1:03:58] of the precepts and of the fine manners -
[1:04:01] that is why they create
[1:04:03] a safe environment.
[1:04:08] So if you are legislators,
[1:04:14] if you are politicians,
[1:04:16] if you are parents or teachers,
[1:04:18] if you are educators,
[1:04:20] please think about it.
[1:04:23] We can learn from the teaching of the Buddha
[1:04:26] to organize our life in the family,
[1:04:31] in the school, in society in such a way
[1:04:34] that we can be protected,
[1:04:37] and our child will always be protected.
[1:04:45] Even if you have already been ordained,
[1:04:51] fully, as a monk: when you go out,
[1:04:56] you have to go with a second body.
[1:05:01] In Plum Village, we have
[1:05:03] the second body system.
[1:05:05] When a nun goes out, she is ALWAYS
[1:05:09] accompanied by another nun,
[1:05:12] or a lay woman practitioner.
[1:05:16] She cannot go out alone.
[1:05:22] That is the practice of the precepts
[1:05:24] and the fine manners.
[1:05:35] And that is one thing we should remember
[1:05:42] and maybe together, we can reorganize
[1:05:47] our lives, so that the environment
[1:05:50] will be safe for all of us,
[1:05:53] and for our children.
[1:07:08] We have said in the beginning
[1:07:10] that sensual pleasures,
[1:07:15] sexual desire is not love,
[1:07:19] but our society is organized in such a way
[1:07:23] that sensual pleasure becomes
[1:07:37] the most important thing.
[1:07:49] They want to sell their products
[1:08:02] and they do advertisements,
[1:08:06] they water the seed of craving in you;
[1:08:10] they want you to consume
[1:08:13] so that you will have sensual pleasure.
[1:08:18] But sensual pleasures can destroy you.
[1:08:23] What we need deeply
[1:08:29] is understanding -
[1:08:35] mutual understanding,
[1:08:37] trust, love,
[1:08:41] emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy.
[1:08:54] But we don't have the opportunity
[1:09:00] to meet that kind of deep need in us.
[1:09:14] Many young people in our society
[1:09:17] want to have cosmetic surgery
[1:09:22] in order to meet the standard of beauty.
[1:09:27] There are women's fashion magazines
[1:09:33] that tell us that in order to succeed,
[1:09:36] you have to look like this,
[1:09:39] and to use these kinds of products.
[1:09:44] And if you want to be a successful woman,
[1:09:47] you have to look like this.
[1:09:51] And that is why many young people
[1:09:58] suffer very much, because they cannot
[1:10:01] accept their body, they want their bodies
[1:10:04] to be otherwise, because the people
[1:10:07] expect another kind of body.
[1:10:10] And that is why they want to have surgery
[1:10:14] in order to transform their body.
[1:10:19] When you do not accept your body as it is,
[1:10:24] you are not your true home.
[1:10:32] Your body is a kind of flower,
[1:10:38] every man, every child is born
[1:10:43] in the garden of humanity as a flower.
[1:10:47] And the flowers differ from each other.
[1:10:55] Breathing in, I see myself as a flower.
[1:10:58] Breathing out, I feel fresh.
[1:11:00] Everyone is a flower in the beginning
[1:11:04] and she has to accept herself as a flower
[1:11:08] different from other kinds of flowers.
[1:11:12] And if she accepts her body,
[1:11:18] then she has a chance
[1:11:21] to see her body as home.
[1:11:27] If you don't accept your body,
[1:11:29] you cannot have a home.
[1:11:31] If you don't accept your mind,
[1:11:34] you cannot be a home to yourself.
[1:11:38] And there are many young people
[1:11:40] who do not accept their body,
[1:11:43] who do not accept who they are.
[1:11:46] They want to be someone else.
[1:11:49] And how can you be home for yourself,
[1:11:52] and how can you be home
[1:11:54] for the other person.
[1:11:56] And that is why in educational circles,
[1:12:03] we have to tell the people
[1:12:08] they are already beautiful as they are,
[1:12:11] they don't have to be another person.
[1:12:18] Thay has a calligraphy:
[1:12:22] "Be beautiful, be yourself."
[1:12:24] Be beautiful, be yourself.
[1:12:28] That is a very important practice.
[1:12:30] You have to accept yourself as you are.
[1:12:35] When you practice
[1:12:39] building a home in yourself,
[1:12:46] you become more and more beautiful.
[1:12:50] You have peace, you have warmth,
[1:12:54] you have joy, you feel wonderful
[1:12:59] within yourself.
[1:13:03] And people will recognize the beauty
[1:13:07] of your flower. Because you are born
[1:13:10] as a flower in the garden of humanity.
[1:13:18] The monks, the nuns
[1:13:25] when they receive
[1:13:30] the bikkshu or the bikkshuni precepts,
[1:13:35] they want to live a holy life.
[1:13:45] If you see that a monk is beautiful
[1:13:51] it's because he has brought in
[1:13:54] the spiritual element in his life.
[1:13:58] If you see a beautiful nun,
[1:14:03] it is because she has brought in
[1:14:05] a spirituality element within her life.
[1:14:11] Spirituality here means
[1:14:14] mindfulness, concentration and insight.
[1:14:23] The 5 mindfulness trainings
[1:14:30] are recommended for everyone - not only
[1:14:33] for monastics, but also for lay people.
[1:14:42] Mindfulness is the kind of energy
[1:14:45] that can help you go home to yourself -
[1:14:49] to be in the here and the now, so that...
[1:14:56] so that you know what to do
[1:15:01] and what not to do,
[1:15:04] in order to preserve yourself,
[1:15:06] in order to build your true home,
[1:15:09] in order to transform your own afflictions
[1:15:14] and to be the home for other people.
[1:15:21] The 5 mindfulness trainings are
[1:15:25] the very concrete way
[1:15:30] of practicing mindfulness.
[1:15:35] And they make you holy.
[1:15:39] People speak of holiness,
[1:15:41] but people do not know exactly
[1:15:43] what it means to be holy.
[1:15:47] In the buddhist tradition,
[1:15:49] holiness is made of mindfulness.
[1:15:55] And mindfulness brings within itself
[1:15:58] the energies of concentration and insight.
[1:16:00] Mindfulness, concentration and insight
[1:16:03] make you holy.
[1:16:07] So holiness is possible
[1:16:09] with the monks and nuns
[1:16:11] but also with the lay people
[1:16:13] who practice the precepts.
[1:16:24] Holiness does not exist only with celibacy.
[1:16:36] There are those who are celibate
[1:16:39] but who are not holy.
[1:16:42] Because they don't have enough
[1:16:44] mindfulness, concentration and insight.
[1:16:47] There are those who live a conjugal life,
[1:16:58] but if they have
[1:17:00] mindfulness, concentration and insight,
[1:17:02] they have the element of holiness in them.
[1:17:07] If the monks observe celibacy
[1:17:11] - not to have sexual relationships -
[1:17:14] that does not mean
[1:17:15] that sexual relationships cannot be holy.
[1:17:19] But because as a monk,
[1:17:22] you have to behave like that... celibacy.
[1:17:25] It's like an astronaut: going to the sky,
[1:17:28] you should not be pregnant.
[1:17:32] If you are pregnant,
[1:17:33] you cannot be an astronaut.
[1:17:38] It's not because being pregnant
[1:17:39] is something bad.
[1:17:45] The human body
[1:17:47] can be something very beautiful.
[1:17:52] I have said before that the human body
[1:17:55] is a real flower.
[1:17:59] We have seen many
[1:18:01] beautiful things around us.
[1:18:03] A tree can be very beautiful.
[1:18:05] A flower can be very beautiful.
[1:18:08] The snow, the river, the willow...
[1:18:14] many beautiful things.
[1:18:17] A bird, a swan, a horse, a deer
[1:18:24] can be very beautiful.
[1:18:26] And the human body is one of the
[1:18:28] most beautiful things that we can see.
[1:18:38] But we have to learn how to treat beauty.
[1:18:43] We are afraid to contemplate beauty.
[1:18:47] But we should not behave in such a way
[1:18:52] that we destroy the beauty.
[1:18:57] Sexual intimacy can be a beautiful thing
[1:19:04] if there is mindfulness, concentration and
[1:19:07] insight, with understanding and love.
[1:19:11] Otherwise, it will be very destructive.
[1:19:18] In the sutra, they described the moment
[1:19:21] when Queen Maha Maya was pregnant
[1:19:25] of the Buddha. In her dream,
[1:19:27] she saw a white elephant, very gentle.
[1:19:33] Maha Maya dreamt of a white elephant.
[1:19:40] And her (his) trunk was holding a lotus flower
[1:19:45] and the elephant touched her
[1:19:47] with the lotus flower, and
[1:19:49] entered into her very, very softly.
[1:19:53] And she was pregnant of Siddharta.
[1:19:58] That is the way they describe
[1:20:01] the sexual relationship in the palace
[1:20:07] before Siddharta was conceived:
[1:20:11] gentleness, beauty.
[1:20:21] But as we have learned from the beginning:
[1:20:25] sexual intimacy should not occur
[1:20:31] before there is communion, understanding,
[1:20:41] the sharing of emotional and spiritual level.
[1:20:48] Then the physical, the sexual intimacy
[1:20:52] can become also holy.
[1:21:08] To practice buddhism as a monk
[1:21:11] is always easier than to practice
[1:21:14] as a lay person.
[1:21:19] In the Vietnamese saying,
[1:21:22] [Vietnamese sentences]
[1:21:29] "To practice as a monk is easiest;
[1:21:32] to practice as a lay person
[1:21:34] is much more difficult."
[1:21:38] So to refrain from all sexual activities
[1:21:44] altogether, is much easier
[1:21:48] than to have sexual relationships,
[1:21:52] because to have sexual relationships
[1:21:55] in the context of mutual understanding
[1:21:58] and love, you need a lot of practice.
[1:22:01] Otherwise you create suffering
[1:22:03] for him, for you, for her.
[1:22:20] Parallax asked me to speak about fidelity.
[1:22:31] In buddhism, we speak of
[1:22:38] the four - we have the teaching of the four
[1:22:43] the four elements of true love
[1:22:46] the four bramaviharas.
[1:22:53] Love without frontiers.
[1:22:59] There is a journalist who had four...
[1:23:06] four lovers at the same time, in France.
[1:23:10] One in Bordeaux, one in Lyon,
[1:23:15] one in Marseille, and so on.
[1:23:22] And the one who lived in Paris,
[1:23:25] she loved him very much.
[1:23:29] And he told her very frankly
[1:23:32] that he had four lovers,
[1:23:35] and that she was only one of them.
[1:23:39] And that lady truly loved him.
[1:23:46] But one day,
[1:23:48] before he wanted to sleep with her,
[1:23:51] she said:
[1:23:52] "Now, let's sit together and breathe,
[1:23:57] and look deeply to see
[1:24:01] what we really need.
[1:24:03] Darling, I really need you.
[1:24:06] I need you to be by my side,
[1:24:09] to understand me, to take care of me,
[1:24:15] to help me when I have difficulties.
[1:24:18] That's what I need.
[1:24:20] And when you are not there in that way,
[1:24:30] I suffer.
[1:24:34] And several sessions of sitting like that
[1:24:39] helped him to understand
[1:24:42] that this is not love.
[1:24:44] This is only desire.
[1:24:52] And because she's a practitioner,
[1:24:54] she helped him to understand.
[1:24:57] And finally, he decided to marry her
[1:25:01] and release the other three people.
[1:25:08] There is a woman doctor in Switzerland.
[1:25:12] She came to practice in Plum Village
[1:25:15] and she has suffered several times
[1:25:17] out of relationships.
[1:25:19] She could not say not to a man
[1:25:21] when he asked for sexual relationships.
[1:25:29] Since the time she was young,
[1:25:36] every time she was asked
[1:25:37] to have a sexual relationship with a man,
[1:25:43] she had to say yes
[1:25:46] even if she did not feel ready,
[1:25:51] because she was afraid.
[1:25:54] Many teenagers in our time feel that way.
[1:25:59] They don't like it, they don't want it,
[1:26:00] they don't feel ready for it.
[1:26:02] But they do not dare to say no
[1:26:07] because they are afraid to be looked upon
[1:26:10] as weird, as strange,
[1:26:20] as abnormal.
[1:26:25] Many young people are afraid of it,
[1:26:31] but they do not dare to say no.
[1:26:36] They don't want to be rejected.
[1:26:40] They want to be accepted.
[1:26:44] That is a psychological fact
[1:26:47] that parents and teachers
[1:26:49] have to be aware of.
[1:26:51] We have to tell our children, our students,
[1:26:55] the young people, that they should
[1:26:59] learn to say no when they are not ready,
[1:27:02] when they are afraid.
[1:27:03] Otherwise, they will destroy their body
[1:27:06] and their mind. In our time,
[1:27:09] it is very difficult for them to say no.
[1:27:40] "I found it so hard to say no,
[1:27:43] when inside of me I knew I was not ready.
[1:27:48] I was afraid I would be rejected
[1:27:51] and unloved, unaccepted.
[1:27:55] I think many young women find it hard
[1:27:57] to say no to having a sexual relationship
[1:28:00] because it is so expected, and so the norm
[1:28:06] of relationships in this area.
[1:28:12] As I look back, I really did not know how
[1:28:15] to say no skillfully in order to protect
[1:28:18] myself, and to protect the other person."
[1:28:22] And I was not able to talk to my mum
[1:28:25] or to my aunt either. I was so afraid.
[1:28:30] So please listen to the young people,
[1:28:34] be compassionate, help them.
[1:28:40] We have to find out a skillful way to say no.
[1:28:46] That lady doctor who came from Switzerland,
[1:28:53] she has learned in Plum Village
[1:28:57] the way to say "no".
[1:29:00] She has suffered so many times,
[1:29:02] and she did not want to suffer any more.
[1:29:07] In her last relationship,
[1:29:10] she was able to say no.
[1:29:12] She said: "I need you, my beloved.
[1:29:17] We need to understand each other,
[1:29:19] I need your presence, I need someone
[1:29:21] to help me when I have difficulties,
[1:29:24] to understand me." And she spent
[1:29:29] one year and a half with him,
[1:29:33] without having any sexual relationship.
[1:29:35] She was very skillful now to say no.
[1:29:42] When we went to her country
[1:29:45] for a Dharma talk, she very proudly
[1:29:51] introduced her husband to us.
[1:29:54] That person accepted finally to marry her,
[1:29:57] and that relationship was wonderful,
[1:30:00] very successful,
[1:30:02] because she was able to say no
[1:30:05] and to help him and build
[1:30:08] that kind of relationship that is lasting.
[1:30:19] The first element of true love is Maitri,
[1:30:26] which is to offer happiness.
[1:30:41] Maitri
[1:30:46] You have to be the sunshine for him / for her.
[1:30:51] You have to be fireplace for him or for her.
[1:30:59] You have to be a home for him / for her.
[1:31:03] That is what you offer.
[1:31:07] But you cannot offer that until you have it.
[1:31:10] So build a home inside.
[1:31:13] Accept yourself.
[1:31:19] Be beautiful, be yourself.
[1:31:30] Heal yourself.
[1:31:35] Love yourself.
[1:31:38] Learn how to produce
[1:31:42] moments of joy and happiness
[1:31:46] for your own nourishment.
[1:31:49] Practice the Dharma in such a way
[1:31:52] that you can create moments of happiness
[1:31:56] and joy for yourself.
[1:31:59] Then you have something to offer him/her.
[1:32:04] The second is Karuna.
[1:32:11] Karuna is the capacity
[1:32:12] to understand the suffering
[1:32:18] in yourself and then in the other person.
[1:32:23] If you understand his or her own suffering,
[1:32:28] you can help him or her understand
[1:32:33] his suffering.
[1:32:35] Because the understanding of suffering
[1:32:38] brings about compassion and relief.
[1:32:42] So you have the energy of Karuna:
[1:32:45] the power to help transform him/her.
[1:32:50] That is the second aspect of true love.
[1:32:56] With maitri, he can offer you sunshine,
[1:33:03] warmth, home. With Karuna, you can
[1:33:08] transform your own suffering,
[1:33:10] and help transform his/her own suffering.
[1:33:17] And these are the kind of energies
[1:33:22] that we can generate
[1:33:24] by practicing mindfulness.
[1:33:29] Mudita: Joy
[1:33:37] If you know how to generate joy,
[1:33:43] that nourishes you, and nourishes him/her.
[1:33:48] And, lastly, Upeksha.
[1:33:54] Upeksha means equanimity, non-discrimination.
[1:34:00] In a deep relationship, there is no longer
[1:34:03] any frontier between you and him/her.
[1:34:07] You are him. You are her.
[1:34:10] It's like in a spiritual relationship.
[1:34:13] You are the Buddha. The Buddha is you.
[1:34:19] You are in the Buddha,
[1:34:21] and the Buddha is in you.
[1:34:28] So your own suffering is his own suffering.
[1:34:32] Your understanding of your own suffering
[1:34:34] helps him to suffer less.
[1:34:38] Suffering and happiness are no longer
[1:34:41] individual matters.
[1:34:44] What happens to him, happens to you.
[1:34:46] What happens to you, happens to her.
[1:34:50] There is no longer any discrimination.
[1:34:52] Upeksha is inclusiveness,
[1:35:01] non-duality, non-discrimination.
[1:35:08] And these are four qualities
[1:35:10] that you can practice in true love.
[1:35:16] That is very nourishing, very healing.
[1:35:33] If your love
[1:35:36] is made with these 4 elements,
[1:35:39] your love is healing, it is transforming,
[1:35:46] your love has
[1:35:48] the element of holiness in it.
[1:35:51] That is the holy spirit.
[1:35:55] It is made of
[1:35:56] mindfulness, concentration and insight.
[1:36:03] In that case,
[1:36:05] the physical, the sexual intimacy
[1:36:09] becomes something very beautiful,
[1:36:12] very consolidating.
[1:36:26] There are times when you sit and
[1:36:29] you look at your child,
[1:36:34] the child is sleeping.
[1:36:44] When the child sleeps,
[1:36:50] she or he reveals the tenderness
[1:36:55] the suffering, the hope.
[1:36:58] Just contemplate the child sleeping
[1:37:07] and observe your feelings.
[1:37:09] Understanding and compassion
[1:37:11] will arise in you, and you will know
[1:37:13] how to take care of the child,
[1:37:17] to make him or her happy.
[1:37:22] Your partner also.
[1:37:24] You should have a chance
[1:37:26] to observe him/her
[1:37:29] when he sleeps.
[1:37:33] Look deeply
[1:37:35] and see some tenderness
[1:37:37] reveal during that:
[1:37:39] the suffering, the hope, the despair
[1:37:43] that can be expressed
[1:37:44] during the time of sleeping.
[1:37:46] Sit there for 15 minutes,
[1:37:48] maybe half an hour,
[1:37:50] and just look.
[1:37:53] And in you there will be understanding,
[1:37:57] compassion arising, and you will know
[1:38:00] how to handle, to help your partner.
[1:38:11] When your partner wants to have
[1:38:14] a sexual relationship,
[1:38:16] you may like to invite him/her
[1:38:18] to sit with you for 15 minutes, quietly -
[1:38:22] to see whether this is
[1:38:25] something that you really want,
[1:38:27] or he really wants:
[1:38:29] a deep communion,
[1:38:32] or to just satisfy some desire.
[1:38:41] And sitting like that quietly,
[1:38:43] and breathing in and out for 15 minutes,
[1:38:45] is very beautiful.
[1:38:47] You and him, you and her.
[1:38:52] And you may offer him your hand,
[1:38:55] he'll be holding your hand for a few minutes.
[1:39:00] And maybe after that you feel that it's enough,
[1:39:13] because a sexual relationship can be
[1:39:20] something very holy also.
[1:39:24] The birth of Siddharta is very welcome.
[1:39:31] And we need people like Siddharta
[1:39:33] in order to show us the way.
[1:39:41] The birth of a flower...
[1:39:46] And so we have to distinguish
[1:39:48] between sexual desire and true love.
[1:40:01] In Buddhism, we also have
[1:40:03] the teaching of the four nutriments.
[1:40:17] The Buddha was 35 when he got enlightened.
[1:40:22] Still very young. And of course,
[1:40:27] at the age of 35 you still have sexual energy.
[1:40:36] We have many young monks and nuns
[1:40:38] at Plum Village.
[1:40:40] They do have sexual energy
[1:40:42] like everyone else.
[1:40:48] And we learn how to handle
[1:40:50] the sexual energies in us.
[1:40:54] You know in the tradition, monks
[1:40:56] only eat once a day, at noon time.
[1:41:03] And if they live in cold countries,
[1:41:08] they will eat lightly in the evening.
[1:41:11] That is one way to handle the energy
[1:41:15] within themselves.
[1:41:18] They practice chopping the wood,
[1:41:20] carrying the water,
[1:41:21] cooking, doing everything.
[1:41:23] They practice sitting meditation,
[1:41:25] walking meditation, they use
[1:41:28] their energy in order to do these things.
[1:41:32] They organize retreats, they take care
[1:41:34] of their brothers and sisters,
[1:41:38] they help take care of their friends
[1:41:42] who came from far away to practice,
[1:41:47] and they are spending their energy
[1:41:49] in such a way, that the sexual energy
[1:41:54] is no longer a big problem.
[1:41:57] The same is true with the Buddha.
[1:42:00] He was interested in many things,
[1:42:03] helping people, educating...
[1:42:08] building a sangha, educating monks and nuns
[1:42:11] and laypeople. And with that amount
[1:42:14] of understanding and compassion,
[1:42:21] he could handle his sexual energies
[1:42:24] very easily.
[1:42:30] You have a deep aspiration - bodhicitta
[1:42:38] you have big, deep aspiration.
[1:42:43] You want to be...
[1:42:45] and to do things that can
[1:42:47] help relieve the suffering of this world.
[1:42:50] And you find happiness
[1:42:54] and contentment
[1:42:58] trying to realize that kind of aspiration.
[1:43:02] That is why, for a practitioner,
[1:43:05] a strong aspiration is very important.
[1:43:08] And if you have that aspiration,
[1:43:11] and if you are able to realize your
[1:43:13] aspiration, the sexual energy in you
[1:43:18] is no longer a big problem.
[1:43:22] And that is why aspiration is very important.
[1:43:33] The bodhisattva Kshitigarbha is someone
[1:43:37] that incarnates a strong aspiration.
[1:43:43] Wherever there is suffering,
[1:43:46] I vow to go there and help.
[1:43:50] And I feel fulfillment, contentment,
[1:43:53] happiness helping people, that is why
[1:43:56] sexual energy is no longer a big problem.
[1:43:59] I can handle it easily.
[1:44:02] That is true of the Buddha,
[1:44:04] and practitioners who have a strong,
[1:44:07] a deep aspiration.
[1:44:13] So the first source of energy is edible food.
[1:44:23] We have to learn to eat in such a way
[1:44:27] that can create a balance.
[1:44:30] We have to learn to eat with moderation.
[1:44:33] We only need that amount of energy,
[1:44:37] and not more.
[1:44:39] Mindful eating is the practice.
[1:44:44] Don't go to the market
[1:44:46] when you are hungry -
[1:44:49] you'll have the tendency
[1:44:50] to buy more than you need.
[1:44:55] Don't eat beside your meals,
[1:44:58] do like the brothers in Upper Hamlet.
[1:45:07] We can organize our family
[1:45:09] in such a way, our community in such a way.
[1:45:13] The art of eating...
[1:45:15] the art of handling edible food.
[1:45:20] There are those of us who feel lonely,
[1:45:23] and in order to forget their loneliness,
[1:45:26] they go to the kitchen, they open
[1:45:30] the refrigerator,
[1:45:31] and they take things to eat.
[1:45:34] That's not good.
[1:45:37] Edible food is the first nutriment.
[1:45:41] We have to learn to eat in such a way
[1:45:44] that preserves compassion in us.
[1:45:50] We have to eat in such a way to...
[1:45:56] to prevent illness,
[1:45:58] to make our body healthy -
[1:46:02] and not to destroy this body
[1:46:04] that has been transmitted to us
[1:46:06] by our ancestors.
[1:46:15] This is a practice of mindfulness
[1:46:18] called mindfulness of eating.
[1:46:21] And we have the 5 contemplations for you
[1:46:26] to practice before eating
[1:46:28] and during the time of eating.
[1:46:33] Secondly, sensory impressions.
[1:46:46] This kind of nutriment we do not consume
[1:46:50] by the way of the mouth.
[1:46:53] We consume with our eyes, ears, nose,
[1:46:56] tongue, body, and mind.
[1:46:59] When we read a magazine, we consume.
[1:47:02] When we watch a television program,
[1:47:05] we consume.
[1:47:08] And what we consume may have an effect
[1:47:13] on our body and on our mind.
[1:47:17] There are many toxic products
[1:47:22] that they sell.
[1:47:25] Like craving, like anger, like fear,
[1:47:30] because we want to have a strong emotion -
[1:47:34] that is why they can sell us many things.
[1:47:41] And the market is full of these items.
[1:47:48] That is why we have to consume
[1:47:55] with mindfulness.
[1:47:57] We should choose
[1:47:59] the kind of television programs
[1:48:03] that are not toxic for us,
[1:48:05] for our children.
[1:48:08] There should not be craving, violence,
[1:48:11] fear, anger.
[1:48:18] Because if we consume these things,
[1:48:21] we destroy ourselves inside.
[1:48:23] We cannot be the home for ourselves
[1:48:26] and for the other person.
[1:48:31] When I was in India,
[1:48:33] I was invited by the Times of India
[1:48:39] to be the guest editor
[1:48:45] on the day of the anniversary
[1:48:49] of Mahatma Ghandi.
[1:48:54] I was sitting with other editors
[1:48:59] and suddenly one person
[1:49:01] showed a piece of news that just came.
[1:49:07] There was a bomb attack, many people died.
[1:49:15] One editor said: "Thay, what should we do
[1:49:24] on a day like this, when we receive
[1:49:26] so many bad news, as a journalist?
[1:49:33] How should we react?"
[1:49:44] I remember
[1:49:45] that I practiced mindful breathing
[1:49:47] three times, deeply, before I answered:
[1:49:51] I said "Gentlemen,
[1:49:53] you have to report the truth
[1:49:56] in your newspaper.
[1:49:59] You have to tell the truth.
[1:50:01] You cannot hide the truth
[1:50:04] about violence, anger, and fear.
[1:50:08] But you have to report in such a way
[1:50:13] that will not water the seed of anger,
[1:50:16] fear and despair in people.
[1:50:20] In order to do that,
[1:50:21] you have to be peaceful.
[1:50:23] You have to look deeply to understand
[1:50:25] why such attack happened,
[1:50:31] what kind of emotions that terrorist had
[1:50:38] while they were preparing the attack
[1:50:41] with that bomb.
[1:50:43] So you have to understand, and you
[1:50:46] should have compassion within yourself.
[1:50:50] And understanding and compassion
[1:50:52] help you to write a report
[1:50:55] that can tell the truth in such a way that
[1:50:57] will not water the seed of anger and fear
[1:51:01] and despair in the mind of your readers.
[1:51:06] And that is our practice,
[1:51:08] our spiritual practice.
[1:51:12] Everyone appreciated that answer.
[1:51:20] So if you are a journalist,
[1:51:23] you write articles in such a way,
[1:51:26] you report on events that happen
[1:51:28] in the world in such a way
[1:51:30] that helps promote understanding
[1:51:32] and compassion in the mind of people
[1:51:34] even if they are learning
[1:51:36] what is happening in the world.
[1:51:43] And if not, we go and poison people,
[1:51:46] and make this world into a place
[1:51:49] not safe for us and for our children.
[1:51:55] So when we consume magazines, news,
[1:51:59] television, when we consume music
[1:52:04] and other things in order to forget
[1:52:06] our suffering inside, we are making
[1:52:09] the situation inside of us more and more
[1:52:13] difficult.
[1:52:16] We are destroying the little home inside -
[1:52:20] that is not home-building.
[1:52:23] So consume radio, television, books,
[1:52:30] even conversations in such a way
[1:52:32] that does not bring in toxins.
[1:52:39] Because you need a home inside
[1:52:42] for yourself, and for him or for her.
[1:52:47] So mindful consumption
[1:52:49] of sensory impressions
[1:52:51] is very important.
[1:52:55] What does not help to build a home,
[1:53:03] you refuse to consume.
[1:53:07] Consume only what can be helpful
[1:53:10] in building a home inside of you.
[1:53:16] The third source of nutriment is volition.
[1:53:27] Your desire, your hope, your aspiration.
[1:53:36] This is the energy that keeps you alive.
[1:53:41] You want to be someone, you want to
[1:53:43] do something with your life.
[1:53:48] And if you are motivated by compassion,
[1:53:51] by true love, you have a good source
[1:53:54] of energy, of volition.
[1:53:59] But if your volition, your desire is
[1:54:02] to punish, to kill, to destroy,
[1:54:05] that is not good nutriment.
[1:54:09] So everyone of us should look deeply
[1:54:12] what is the deepest aspiration
[1:54:14] of our lives.
[1:54:18] To run after fame,
[1:54:21] wealth, sex, good food,
[1:54:25] power, is not good volition.
[1:54:28] Because so many people destroy
[1:54:31] their body and their mind
[1:54:33] running after these objects of craving.
[1:54:37] So we should have the kind of
[1:54:39] wholesome volition,
[1:54:42] we should have
[1:54:43] the kind of deep aspiration
[1:54:47] that pushes us
[1:54:48] into being someone, doing something
[1:54:51] that can help society, the planet,
[1:54:55] relieve the suffering of the world.
[1:54:59] And if you have that element of nutriment
[1:55:05] in you, you are a true home for yourself,
[1:55:09] you are a true home for him or for her.
[1:55:15] So give rise to the mind of love in you,
[1:55:21] the mind of love, a strong aspiration
[1:55:28] for peace, compassion, understanding.
[1:55:33] I vow to develop understanding
[1:55:38] and compassion in me with my practice
[1:55:43] so that I can become an instrument
[1:55:45] of peace and love,
[1:55:47] to help society and the world.
[1:55:50] That is the kind of volition that we need.
[1:55:55] Those of us who
[1:55:56] have that kind of volition,
[1:55:58] we are strong.
[1:56:01] We are able to confront ANY kind
[1:56:03] of obstacles and difficulties.
[1:56:07] If we have
[1:56:09] that kind of volition in us
[1:56:12] - bodhicitta, the mind of love -
[1:56:15] the deepest aspiration. --CUT--
[1:56:17] Our individual consciousness is influenced
[1:56:20] by the collective consciousness.
[1:56:22] If we live in a place where people
[1:56:29] only think of sensual pleasure,
[1:56:33] then we'll be carried away
[1:56:35] by that desire also.
[1:56:39] You are not like that, but if you
[1:56:41] put yourself into that environment,
[1:56:43] you become one of them.
[1:56:46] So if you live in a place where there is
[1:56:49] a lot of hate, a lot of violence,
[1:56:52] you know that your child will...
[1:56:57] will consume the collective energy
[1:57:00] of hate and violence.
[1:57:05] So, realizing
[1:57:06] that you are not in a good environment,
[1:57:08] where the collective consciousness
[1:57:11] is negative, is destructive,
[1:57:13] you have to - right away - pull yourself
[1:57:16] out of that environment -
[1:57:18] for your sake, for your children's sake.
[1:57:23] Get out of that environment right away,
[1:57:26] not to continue to consume that kind of
[1:57:28] collective feeling, collective emotion
[1:57:32] of anger, of fear, of despair.
[1:57:37] If you want to help, you go back
[1:57:40] after you get the strength,
[1:57:43] and with a sangha you can go back to help.
[1:57:46] But now, to continue in that environment
[1:57:49] is suicidal. So if you realize
[1:57:54] that the environment is toxic,
[1:57:56] you have to stop right away,
[1:57:59] because the collective consciousness
[1:58:01] is destructive.
[1:58:05] Come to a place like Plum Village,
[1:58:09] where there is no collective hate,
[1:58:13] collective violence, where there is
[1:58:18] enough brotherhood and sisterhood
[1:58:20] for our children to use as nutriments.
[1:58:25] And give rise to the strong aspiration
[1:58:30] to build a place like that,
[1:58:32] for our own refuge
[1:58:34] and for the refuge of other friends of us.
[1:58:38] And that is to provide ourselves with the
[1:58:41] fourth kind of nutriment.
[1:59:13] In a relationship
[1:59:15] where you share with your partner
[1:59:19] the same kind of aspiration,
[1:59:29] then you become one.
[1:59:33] You are becoming an instrument
[1:59:37] of love and peace.
[1:59:41] And whatever you do, you do together,
[1:59:45] because you are a sangha.
[1:59:48] A sangha of 2 people,
[1:59:50] of 3 people, of 4 people,
[1:59:52] of 100 people like in Upper Hamlet.
[1:59:56] We do everything together.
[1:59:58] We have the same concern,
[2:00:00] we have the same desire,
[2:00:02] we have the same future.
[2:00:08] There is no more place for jealousy,
[2:00:13] because we are all faithful
[2:00:16] to the same aspiration.
[2:00:22] And whatever the other person does,
[2:00:25] you do it with him or her.
[2:00:29] You share everything.
[2:00:31] That is the spirit of Upeksha.
[2:00:37] So that makes fidelity possible.
[2:00:42] And you still have your freedom.
[2:00:48] And she still has her freedom intact.
[2:00:53] Love is not a kind of prison.
[2:00:58] Love - true love -
[2:01:00] gives us a lot of space.
[2:01:05] And whatever you enjoy,
[2:01:08] the other person will enjoy.
[2:01:13] And what concerns you,
[2:01:15] the other person will feel concern also.
[2:01:27] So let us breathe together, as a sangha,
[2:01:33] with the bell.
[2:03:28] Subtitles by the Amara.org community
